Two Ways To Be A Jerk Driving

Two Ways To Be A Jerk Driving

Driving is one of my loves.  When my wife and I want to get away from all of you other people, we hop in the car and go for long rides out on the mountains on backroads, the Blue Ridge parkway, and even gravel trails.  Give me a curvy road with great views and the radio blasting and I'll be endlessly entertained.

When you love something and you happen to be an A-type personality who can be quite perfectionistic, you hate to see other people abusing your love.  Treating it badly.  Acting like idiots.

Here are two ways to be a jerk driving.

1--Driving Slowly

Let's clear one thing up right now.  I don't drive a nice car.  I never have.  My first car was a Geo, then an Oldsmobile, and right now I'm lighting the streets up in my very own 2001 Kia Sportage.

Pictured:  someone else's identical streamlined and sexy Kia Sportage.

My Kia's engine screams in torment starting at 2700 RPMs like it's having it's fingernails ripped of by some sadistic Spanish Inquisitor.  That's a valid use of that word, right?  Weren't expecting me to reference the Spanish Inquisition in this post, were you?

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

 Until you've been driving it for a month, you will clip reverse every time you change from fifth to fourth.  It's as inevitable as another reboot of Batman.  It rides like someone pushed a small child in a shopping cart off the top of a rock slope.  My point is, it's not a nice car.  I love it, but it is appalling.  And it doesn't go fast.

I have no problem with those who are in slow cars going slow.  I have no problem with those in fast cars going slowly.  By that I mean, five miles below the limit is the limit.  If you're going slower than that, you don't need me to tell you you're being a jerk.

Look at them, clogging up the road.

I'm referring to those of us who slow down to a creep on acceleration lanes.  You know what I'm talking about?  You're about to merge on a busy highway where the speed limit is 70 mph and we're doing 30.  It's easier to merge when you're going close to the same speed as the cars you are merging with.  If you are guilty of this, I implore you, give it a try.  You will be amazed at the results.  You can adjust your speed as needed when you go to merge, but you don't have to cut anyone off or come to a complete stop at the end of the merge lane with your left signal on pathetically weeping as you wait for the 5pm traffic on I-95 to give you a gap big enough to accelerate up to 70 in.  (there will be one at about 8pm)

I'm also referring to those who hit their brakes at the base of a steep hill.  There is no excuse for this unless you are going waaaaay too fast and you see a policeman.  Otherwise, you carry your momentum onto the hill.  Because hitting the brakes wastes fuel.  And while your Mustang Cobra can accelerate uphill, my Kia is stuck at whatever speed it was doing at the bottom.  If I even try, my engine will sound like the illegitimate child of a diesel tractor and a jackhammer and then it will blow up.  If you find yourself disrupting the flow of traffic and the ease of everyone else's driving by being unnecessarily timid or slow, you are being a jerk.

2--Not signaling properly

I am a turn signal Nazi.  I acknowledge that each of us put a different standard on certain rules.  For example, I don't care much if your speeding or rolling through stop signs, as long as you look like you can handle it.  I will be angry if you don't have your headlights on in the rain or if you don't just go in an intersection when you have the right of way and instead get into a ridiculous staring battle with the person who's trying to figure out if they should just go ahead or wait for you to realize it's your turn.

I won't back down on how important turn signals are, though.  I'm a very kind driver, see.  If someone puts on a blinker I will give them space to get over.  When I was younger and I hadn't yet realized that being kind was more important than proving a point (still working on that) I often deliberately rode right next to someone keeping them from getting over until they put on their blinker.  That's a good example of me being a jerk, actually.

This stems from people living in their own world while they're driving.  They don't realize that there are other people on the road that may be remotely interested in what they intend to do at 60 mph.

Why do I need a blinker?  I know where I'm going.

 It's the same kind of thing you see with headlights.  I've seen people at night with no headlights on and no intention to turn them on.  I understand forgetting, but if visibility is low: it's foggy, raining, or the darkness plague from Exodus, you may want to have them on.  Even if you can see without them, 'cause get this--I may not be able to see you as well! In the same way, just because you know that you're going to get in the left hand lane, that may be information that the poor Kia Sportage driving past you in the left hand lane might find useful.

I should put some kind of conclusion here, I suppose, but instead I'm going to put a cat picture because I'm sick of being an grumpy old man.

I don't even like cats.