Driving is one of my loves. When my wife and I want to get away from all of you other people, we hop in the car and go for long rides out on the mountains on backroads, the Blue Ridge parkway, and even gravel trails. Give me a curvy road with great views and the radio blasting and I'll be endlessly entertained.
When you love something and you happen to be an A-type personality who can be quite perfectionistic, you hate to see other people abusing your love. Treating it badly. Acting like idiots.
Here are two ways to be a jerk driving.
1--Driving Slowly
Let's clear one thing up right now. I don't drive a nice car. I never have. My first car was a Geo, then an Oldsmobile, and right now I'm lighting the streets up in my very own 2001 Kia Sportage.
Pictured: someone else's identical streamlined and sexy Kia Sportage.
My Kia's engine screams in torment starting at 2700 RPMs like it's having it's fingernails ripped of by some sadistic Spanish Inquisitor. That's a valid use of that word, right? Weren't expecting me to reference the Spanish Inquisition in this post, were you?
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Until you've been driving it for a month, you will clip reverse every time you change from fifth to fourth. It's as inevitable as another reboot of Batman. It rides like someone pushed a small child in a shopping cart off the top of a rock slope. My point is, it's not a nice car. I love it, but it is appalling. And it doesn't go fast.
I have no problem with those who are in slow cars going slow. I have no problem with those in fast cars going slowly. By that I mean, five miles below the limit is the limit. If you're going slower than that, you don't need me to tell you you're being a jerk.
Look at them, clogging up the road.
I'm referring to those of us who slow down to a creep on acceleration lanes. You know what I'm talking about? You're about to merge on a busy highway where the speed limit is 70 mph and we're doing 30. It's easier to merge when you're going close to the same speed as the cars you are merging with. If you are guilty of this, I implore you, give it a try. You will be amazed at the results. You can adjust your speed as needed when you go to merge, but you don't have to cut anyone off or come to a complete stop at the end of the merge lane with your left signal on pathetically weeping as you wait for the 5pm traffic on I-95 to give you a gap big enough to accelerate up to 70 in. (there will be one at about 8pm)
I'm also referring to those who hit their brakes at the base of a steep hill. There is no excuse for this unless you are going waaaaay too fast and you see a policeman. Otherwise, you carry your momentum onto the hill. Because hitting the brakes wastes fuel. And while your Mustang Cobra can accelerate uphill, my Kia is stuck at whatever speed it was doing at the bottom. If I even try, my engine will sound like the illegitimate child of a diesel tractor and a jackhammer and then it will blow up. If you find yourself disrupting the flow of traffic and the ease of everyone else's driving by being unnecessarily timid or slow, you are being a jerk.
2--Not signaling properly
I am a turn signal Nazi. I acknowledge that each of us put a different standard on certain rules. For example, I don't care much if your speeding or rolling through stop signs, as long as you look like you can handle it. I will be angry if you don't have your headlights on in the rain or if you don't just go in an intersection when you have the right of way and instead get into a ridiculous staring battle with the person who's trying to figure out if they should just go ahead or wait for you to realize it's your turn.
I won't back down on how important turn signals are, though. I'm a very kind driver, see. If someone puts on a blinker I will give them space to get over. When I was younger and I hadn't yet realized that being kind was more important than proving a point (still working on that) I often deliberately rode right next to someone keeping them from getting over until they put on their blinker. That's a good example of me being a jerk, actually.
This stems from people living in their own world while they're driving. They don't realize that there are other people on the road that may be remotely interested in what they intend to do at 60 mph.
Why do I need a blinker? I know where I'm going.
It's the same kind of thing you see with headlights. I've seen people at night with no headlights on and no intention to turn them on. I understand forgetting, but if visibility is low: it's foggy, raining, or the darkness plague from Exodus, you may want to have them on. Even if you can see without them, 'cause get this--I may not be able to see you as well! In the same way, just because you know that you're going to get in the left hand lane, that may be information that the poor Kia Sportage driving past you in the left hand lane might find useful.
I should put some kind of conclusion here, I suppose, but instead I'm going to put a cat picture because I'm sick of being an grumpy old man.
I'm not going to go into what a hipster is in detail. Most everyone should know what a hipster is by now. A hipster is a person that thinks that they are countercultural and anti-mainstream (that's a word now. As a writer, I definitely have the power to do that), but are actually defined by that very mainstream they seek to defy.
If you don't know what a hipster is, check out http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hipster. I particularly like the part where they say, "Definitions are too mainstream. Hipster's can't be defined because then they'd fit in a category, and thus be too mainstream."
It's really not fair to make fun of people who try very hard to show that they are unaffected by the "mainstream". It's obvious to most of us that there are many groups that worry waaaaaay too much what other people think about them because they have a philosophy that tries so hard to be non-comformist. But it's a trap that's so easy to fall into.
Pictured: People, not conforming.
Enough about subcultures that everyone knows about. Really, you want to know what I mean by "Christian Hipster".
Actually, I was wondering if you would have the obligatory funny cat picture at some point.
"Christian Hipster" is a phrase that I coined the other day and I claim the daylights out of it. I also said that "Thursday is the gateway to Friday", and I claim all of that too. Basically, I want a quarter every time someone says it.
A Christian Hipster is someone who tries to be defined by how awesome of a Christian they are. The easiest way to explain this is by giving examples. A Christian might wear jeans to church. A Christian Hipster will wear jeans to make a statement. A Christian might get a tattoo. A Christian Hipster will get a tattoo hoping that someone will point out that the Bible outlaws tattoos, just so they have an opportunity to prove that person wrong and themselves smarter.
The Book of Leviticus can totally make you look cool
This is the kind of person who would put four wise men in their nativity scene just so someone will object and they can tell them to go read the book of Matthews again, because nowhere does it say that there were three kings that visited the baby Jesus. Who was probably almost two years old, by the way.
I need to stop here and explain something to any non-Christians reading this. The truth is, all Christians act hypocritical sometimes. Our entire faith is based on the principle that mankind is hopelessly broken and only God can help us. We know that we make mistakes and that we aren't good people. Our entire faith would be rendered unnecessary if there were any "good" people--someone who was perfect. So know that just because someone is doing these things, it doesn't make them not a Christian, just a jerk.
Although, to be honest, some Christian Hipsters aren't Christians. I was one of those people. My family didn't go to church or talk about God very much, but I was encouraged to read the Bible and for that, I'm thankful. So I did read it. I actually got to be quite knowledgeable. So, when I was around church-going people and they were wrong about some of the finer points of "our" faith, I thought they were hypocritical sheeple. Except I would never actually say "sheeple" at risk of punching myself in my own face.
They keep on eating, while Big Grass rakes in the profits from their naivety
Then one day I was reading a book that had a point that really hit home. It said in paraphrase, that if you believe Jesus is Christ God, then it should affect every single part of your life every single second. I knew that because I read my Bible, but oops.
Look at this book, trying so hard to be cool. Whatever.
So, the book I snickered at for it's cover and "teen-friendly" style ended up being the tool God used to open my eyes. I was not a Christian, because I didn't care about God in the least. A Christian is both a slave of God and a child of God, a heir to heaven, and I was neither even in the slightest. To some people, Christianity is just emotional, to some just intellectual. Neither group is right--there has to be a balance.
The thing that the Christian Hipster forgets is expressed perfectly in 1 Corinthians 10:31 "Whether then you eat or drink, do all to the glory of God". In context this verse is dealing with more mature or just more knowledgeable Christians who were upsetting other Christians with what they were doing although they were perfectly in their right to do that. Paul, the writer of this letter says that a Christian needs to think about how their actions will affect others first. It's not a question of what we're allowed to do--it's a matter of what glorifies God the most. Will what I'm about to do, even though I'm allowed to do it, hurt someone? Will it shake their faith? Will it cause them to stumble?
Will it make you look like a pretentious jerk?
That's what a Christian Hipster is, and what the problem is with that attitude. It's easy to get sucked into, especially for young Christians in college. Have you ever met a college student who didn't know everything better than older people?
Sorry to go on such a long post about something like this, that many people may not be able to identify with. You may be wondering why I even think about something like this. I don't know, things just come to mind every now and then and I feel like sharing them.
Incidentally, I work at a Christian college . . . . .
One of the most important things for me is to have some kind of sport to participate in regularly. It's exercise and competition (even if it's just against myself). Of course, it's hard to get a group of people together when most of my friends have responsibilities of their own, like work and school to deal with. Also, wives and children. Them too.
And so, without team sports, I'm left with only individual sports. I've tried a medley of them in the past and here's my top four future ways to break my neck:
1--Parkour
The art and science of running from the cops
Parkour is the French art of running away. And because nobody has historically done this better than the French, you can imagine they've perfected it. Parkour is all about flow, the effortless transition of movement over obstacles. There is nothing that can compare to the feeling of hurtling yourself full speed at an obstacle to cleanly and smoothly flow right over it and never even slow down.
Basically, it makes you feel like a small child again. Like a small child, you're turning everything around you into a playground of your own. Also like a small child, you occasionally come home crying covered with scrapes and bruises because you thought that you could "totally make that jump, man."
When you do parkour, it's only a matter of time before you find yourself waking up to find that you're drooling on the sidewalk. And then, there's nothing to do but pick up your teeth and and try that double kong vault over the two railings again. Because you can totally do this, man.
2--Rollerblading
This is some hardcore stuff right here
I know what you're thinking. You don't know why you started reading this post. And now that you've gotten halfway through it, you figure you might as well get to the end. It becomes almost a chore--but if you've committed this much, you might as well finish the stupid thing, right? If it makes you feel better, I'll leave you a treat at the halfway point. Eh? Better?
Or, you may have been thinking that rollerblading is kind of a softy sport. You may picture children and very . . . em . . . feminine men blissfully rolling by with a big carefree smile on their face. And you would be right. Now, know that one of my hobbies when I was young was to invent a sport or a sport league with my brother and compete with ourselves and our imaginary fellow athletes. And in a situation like that, nothing is blissful. This was a professional athletic competition, after all.
During high school, I was a big fan of downhill rollerblading. That consists of rocketing down streets dodging cars, pedestrians, and the odd animal while going faster than cars on the same street. Sliding around corners and leaving black marks on the road from the brakes when you come to an intersection at the same time a car does. Because, in the world of rollerblading, car beats rollerblader beats small child. And that's why this is inherently dangerous. Because although the world accepts (in my case, extremely begrudgingly and with a crazed, homicidal glean in my eye while I'm driving) the need to share the road with bicyclists--rollerbladers are never, ever welcome on the street.
2.5--As promised, treat at the halfway point
If you promise to keep reading, I promise another kitty before the end. Deal?
3--Bouldering
Not pictured in any of these photos: Me.
Bouldering is basically climbing boulders. It's seeing a rock and saying, "You know what would make that rock better? If I was standing on top of it." It's the natural human instinct to crush nature under our feet and prove ourselves kings of the universe. I live very close to the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia and one of my wife and I's hobbies is to drive around and go hiking on it. Inevitably you come across some enormous rock formations and the natural call to be king of the rock is strong. It's a very simple thing to do. In fact, third after running and sex, it's the most basic exercise you can possibly do. Actually, it should be the second most basic. Have you seen how many books there are about running?
Step 1: Find a pair of sexy shorts.
Of the four sports I name off here, this is the one that I've done the least of. I love rock climbing, though, and I have done a little bit of bouldering. Of course, the dangers of this sport should be obvious. I suck at it, and there's a lot of potential for "vertically-induced pain". Also known as smacking the ground from 20 feet up.
4--Mountain Biking
We'll say this is me. With a convenient helmet.
Downhill mountain biking is just a blast. I used to love my bike when I was young. I rode it through our woods, made ramps with my brothers, and played cops and robbers with sticks and rocks. You know it's serious when you try to pull a Pit maneuver on bikes.
I haven't ridden a bike for five years before last week. The college that I work at (not for, at) decided that we should start paying for parking passes to park where we work. It was a bit pricey, and I was feeling a bit indignant about the whole affair. So, instead of paying for the close lot decal, I bought a bike with that money instead and paid for the further one. Good exercise, right?
What I didn't know was that the other lot was not in the same county. As a matter of fact, you need a stinking globe to see that lot. I popped in a Teach Yourself Spanish CD when I drove off and by the time I got there, I was thinking and dreaming in Spanish. I had to poach squirrel and rabbit to survive and drink from the fresh springs. Eventually, I became at one with the mountain the campus resides on. So, the logical next step is to go hurtling down it at breakneck speed with my new bike. Sounds fun, right?
Oh, and I lied about the cat picture at the end. I'll have that for you next post. See what I did there, again?
I had an epiphany the other day. I was listening to music and cleaning and it occured to me again that I have too many hobbies. Of course, when I say hobbies, what I mean is there are a lot of things that I'd like to do, but never do. Because I'm lazy, and when my mind gets overwhelmed with lots of little things, I tend to shut down and not do anything at all. I feel bad about that of course, so I found a way to do something I won't feel as bad about but won't actually require any real work. Do you want to know what that something is?
Please tell me. I'm intrigued
I decided to start a blog. Again. I've tried this before. And it didn't work. But I read too many Cracked.com articles and thought, "hey, I can do this crap too!" And so once more unto the breach?
The obvious problem is that I don't have anything to blog about. There's nothing remotely interesting that's going on for me to talk about. My last blog was strictly about God, and while that was a good thing, I didn't update it often enough to gain much interested. So, what if I made it about . . . whatever I felt like?
AHHH! Fall Out Boy just came on my laptop! *mad scramble to change the song ensues* Why do I even have that song on here?
Ahem.
So, now I'm blogging about starting a blog, and there's a chance that someone might even read that. Why do we the most to say about the most ridiculous things? And defend them like a knight defending his sister's honor? The Internet is so angerful over the most silly things, I could start a vicious comment war with a single picture. That means that the writer has a great power. As Spiderman can tell you, with great power comes great responsibility. I would never use my powers to cause people to fight over something that is ultimately unimportant. Ever.
I lied.
This won't be all mundane and ridiculous. I'll be sure to put in some important points and some things worth reading. While I'm at it, though, I can throw in every subject under the sun. That's freedom of speech, suckers. This is what our ancestors fought and died to grant us. I'm using their sacrifice and hard work to improve the world . . . by writing this blog . . . with . . . the liberties they died . . . . . .
Ahem. Moving on.
And we'll set a goal of publishing one post a week. See how I said "we"? What I'm doing right there is emotionally involving you in this blog. Now, you're tied to my success and failure. You will have to wish me the best, because if I fail, your investment of time and emotion will be all for naught and this waste will haunt you for the rest of your life. Your frivolous free time now belongs to me.
This is you, emotionally involved.
Now that you're emotionally invested, I probably shouldn't tell you that I'm not good at keeping up with projects that I start. I should also probably not tell you that my wife will almost certainly tell me that I don't have time for this kind of nonsense, and she would be absolutely right. Also, I don't really like blogs and this kind of thing myself, so I may realize my hypocrisy and quit at any moment. I also don't know how to blog. Or be funny. Am I supposed to tell you that the title of this blog is both a reference to the BBC show Top Gear (as is my URL) and cleverly also applicable to me as well, or let you discover on your own? Because things are funnier when you figure them out yourself. Nobody wants to be that guy who has to explain every joke.
Get it? Cause, see, she doesn't know any facial expressions.
I hear you asking what you've gotten yourself into. That question is too little, too late. You're stuck in this journey with me. You will have to follow me now. I know some of you think that you can resist the urge to read my next post. But that's because I haven't unleashed my ultimate weapon. The most devasting people-gathering and staying weapon known to the internet. Are you prepared for it? I don't think that you are. You don't realize what is coming. How could you? Brace yourself for the irresistable . . .
